They say when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Academics are a bit smarter than that. Confidently predict a world of nails, and you fall to the first paper that shows evidence of a screw. There are limits to how long you can delude yourself when your job is supposed to be all about finding the truth.

You can make your own nails, though.

Suppose there’s something you’re really good at. Maybe, like many of my past colleagues, you can do particle physics calculations faster than anyone else, even when the particles are super-complicated hypothetical gravitons. Maybe you know more than anyone else about how to make a quantum computer, or maybe you just know how to build a “quantum computer“. Maybe you’re an expert in esoteric mathematics, who can re-phrase anything in terms of the arcane language of category theory.

That’s your hammer. Get good enough with it, and anyone with a nail-based problem will come to you to solve it. If nails are trendy, then you’ll impress grant committees and hiring committees, and your students will too.

When nails aren’t trendy, though, you need to try something else. If your job is secure, and you don’t have students with their own insecure jobs banging down your door, then you could spend a while retraining. You could form a reading group, pick up a textbook or two about screwdrivers and wrenches, and learn how to use different tools. Eventually, you might find a screwdriving task you have an advantage with, something you can once again do better than everyone else, and you’ll start getting all those rewards again.

Or, maybe you won’t. You’ll get less funding to hire people, so you’ll do less research, so your work will get less impressive and you’ll get less funding, and so on and so forth.

Instead of risking that, most academics take another path. They take what they’re good at, and invent new problems in the new trendy area to use that expertise.

If everyone is excited about gravitational waves, you turn a black hole calculation into a graviton calculation. If companies are investing in computation in the here-and-now, then you find ways those companies can use insights from your quantum research. If everyone wants to know how AI works, you build a mathematical picture that sort of looks like one part of how AI works, and do category theory to it.

At first, you won’t be competitive. Your hammer isn’t going to work nearly as well as the screwdrivers people have been using forever for these problems, and there will be all sorts of new issues you have to solve just to get your hammer in position in the first place. But that doesn’t matter so much, as long as you’re honest. Academic research is expected to take time, applications aren’t supposed to be obvious. Grant committees care about what you’re trying to do, as long as you have a reasonably plausible story about how you’ll get there.

(Investors are also not immune to a nice story. Customers are also not immune to a nice story. You can take this farther than you might think.)

So, unlike the re-trainers, you survive. And some of the time, you make it work. Your hammer-based screwdriving ends up morphing into something that, some of the time, actually does something the screwdrivers can’t. Instead of delusionally imagining nails, you’ve added a real ersatz nail to the world, where previously there was just a screw.

Making nails is a better path for you. Is it a better path for the world? I’m not sure.

If all those grants you won, all those jobs you and your students got, all that money from investors or customers drawn in by a good story, if that all went to the people who had the screwdrivers in the first place, could they have done a better job?

Sometimes, no. Sometimes you happen upon some real irreproducible magic. Your hammer is Thor’s hammer, and when hefted by the worthy it can do great things.

Sometimes, though, your hammer was just the hammer that got the funding. Now every screwdriver kit has to have a space for a little hammer, when it could have had another specialized screwdriver that fit better in the box.

In the end, the world is build out of these kinds of ill-fitting toolkits. We all try to survive, both as human beings and by our sub-culture’s concept of the good life. We each have our hammers, and regardless of whether the world is full of screws, we have to convince people they want a hammer anyway. Everything we do is built on a vast rickety pile of consequences, the end-results of billions of people desperate to be wanted. For those of us who love clean solutions and ideal paths, this is maddening and frustrating and terrifying. But it’s life, and in a world where we never know the ideal path, screw-nails and nail-screws are the best way we’ve found to get things done.